I was the last person to see Ruth alive and I was the one who found her. She simply could not bear her mental pain any longer. She had been in pain for almost 15 years and could not take it any more.
We were still under fairly strong Covid restrictions at the time of her death. All that was so important to her Moon in Virgo in the sixth house had been taken from her during Covid – her need for routine, her need for vigourous exercise in the gym, her need for yoga, her need for community. Along with her need for feeling valued and worthwhile. A key need for all of us.
Ruth was finally at peace at last. She took her own life the day before my late mother’s house sale closed. My late mum’s house had always been her safe haven, which is why I had never wanted her to live there after my mother’s death. I knew she would never be able to leave it. No one listened. How right I was. 10 days after leaving my late mother’s house, Ruth was dead.
So there I was still fighting for my inheritance, and now I had Ruth’s affairs to manage. Her house had to be sold, possessions sorted, her Dublin psychiatrist was obliged to see me. It was a deeply healing meeting. A few days after her funeral, her Google Drive was deleted. Then the hate mail started. The police did nothing. I moved to a better house and somehow kept going. I did the Clairvision book of the Dead to help Ruth transition.
In January 2022 a good friend took her own life also. My Neptune South Node transit was still ongoing. To help accelerate my healing I undertook therapy via the Grief Recovery Method with an Irish based therapist. It challenges the usual myths of grief and was deeply profound.
I arranged for Ruth’s ashes to be scattered in Kinsale in February 2022. An event which was boycotted by immediate family on both sides on the basis that it was not what Ruth would have wanted. I found myself wondering what it must have been like for Ruth to have had so many people in her life against me. How torn she must have felt. Their behaviour after her death spoke volumes as to how their behavior must have been whilst she was still alive.
Ruth had actually never been estranged from me until her ex-girlfriend moved into my late mother’s house with her. Estrangement is often perpetrated by someone close to the estranged person. As I realised after her death. But no one could take those precious three weeks from me. It was the most precious and greatest gift Ruth could have given me gave me.
There was nothing left unsaid between us when she died. All the “sorry’s” when she did not at a meal or drink her tea, were really “sorry’s” for all that had gone before.
Later that year I learnt another friend had also taken his own life in December 2020. That was three people I loved so much who could not take Covid restrictions any longer.
So how have I healed? Extensive therapy. Writing. Painting – an interesting one. I lose myself totally in painting and forget all sense of time. I bought a house in Courtmcsherry, eventually. And blessedly and most of all, an old love came back into my life when Ruth died. That has been the most healing of all. He has been there for me every step of the way, gently, softly. But always there. Always.
I have recently started travelling again. Which is even more healing. My Neptune transits are over, as Neptune was also squaring my Ascendant till earlier this year. In June Saturn trines Neptune, indicating new structures around my dreams. I have ticked a lot of places off my bucket list already – The Algarve, Lisbon, the Azores.
A few recent weeks in Sardinia was beautifully healing. My Moon trines my Ascendant near there. And Juno is also strongly aspected. My old love in Ireland continues to be there for me. Our love is deeper than ever. Quiet, understated, and always there.
Sailing is next on the list so I’ll keep you posted. My beloved child is finally at peace. Ruth continues to guide and look after me every day.
Healing after unbearable loss is indeed possible. I wrote these posts to assure you all of this. I am free as a bird after all these years. I am still adjusting, but the relief of no longer being the family scapegoat is enormous. Since Ruth’s death I have published my book, brought out my range of jewellery, done seven weeks sailing including 800 miles in a 65 foot yacht, travelled extensively, bought a house and reunited with my dearest love.
With loss and grief comes healing and new beginnings. May that be the same for any of you who have had major losses. The first part of this blog post can be found HERE.
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